When All Fails
When all fails
By: Aly Delizo
"Once a mirror is broken, glue it up you can still see the crack, it's forever broken"
It was 3 years ago, when I craved fame and attention. Then I saw the internet, I know I will never have fame in real life, and so I gave it a try. It wasn't that long when I started to have a name online.
I gained followers, some are crazy and some are not. It made me feel loved, it also gave me the feeling of belonging on the other hand it also made me too proud of myself, that I became a fool.
There were a few people that I grew a fondness of, and one of them never fails to make my day complete. She lives in Belgium, I enjoy talking and goofing around with her. I always wait for her to be online, sometimes I don't sleep the whole 48 hours, to have a half an hour talk with her. I became an internet addict, I can't control myself, I was always online I've never become offline. I get so grumpy if she's not online for the whole day, and it affects my relationship with the people around me.
I always adored her laughs during our video chats, her voice warms my ears and my heart. I know she wanted to hear my voice as well, but I couldn't let her hear me. I can't or I'll be busted. It'll be the end of everything.
I think I love her. And I know she loves me back. She once told me that "it is always delightful talking to you" and it made me leap with joy. I imagined myself with her, talking, laughing and fooling all around the world. I also imagined my life, with her with kids. But that would never happen, I am not a real person, I am a wild imagination of a girl that is curious about her sexuality. I am the male form of her. It only means one thing I am a lie, a hurtful lie.
The time came when I became busy with college and real life activities, that I have left my internet life, I never forgot her I still had contact with her through facebook. Our relationship grew deeper, and I wanted to tell her the truth, I am not a man, I am not the person she thought I was but I couldn't. I don't want to end the happy and warm feeling with her. I don't want to hurt her.
It also came to a point where I wanted to have fame with my real self, I went to the same path, but this time as a woman, a girl of my original form. Some of my crazy followers, messaged me and told me that "You look a lot like the beautiful boy on top rated guys, are you two related?" I answered them yes, he is my brother, my twin brother. I somehow earned another name for myself, being known as the sister of that beautiful boy on top rated guys. I was happy, but am I really happy? I'm a two faced person. I'm a lie.
I couldn't bear the feeling of guilt anymore. I posted who I really was, I told everyone that I am both him and her. I told everyone that I am that boy that captured their hearts and attention. And I told her who I was. I know she felt hurt and betrayed. I know she even cried, even though I didn't saw it. I know her, she cries a lot with little things which made her become my baby. I hurt her, I broke my promise that I will never let her fall, I will never let her cry and I will never ever hurt her. I want to stab myself, kill myself and rip my brain and my heart apart for hurting her.
I am a victim of my own curiosity. She didn't delete me on facebook and on other social networking sites and on skype and live messenger. But she don't answer my video calls, my posts and everything. I let her be, yet I still creep through her facebook check on her updates and what's happening to her. I am happy that she moved on, went to college and currently has a boyfriend a real person with her. I am happy for her, am I really happy? Yes, I am happy but still hurting, the feeling of jealousy and guilt mixed together. I wanted to hit the man on the face and break his nose. But I couldn't he is probably stronger than me and she is not mine, I have no right to do that. I posted my explanation on her wall, and she liked it. It only means she has moved on, but we're still not talking.
I wanted to move on as well, but I couldn't. I loved her and I still do. That love is the only true thing in me 3 years ago. All I can do for now is creep, and watch her newsfeed on my facebook. I'm content with that, though I miss her, I miss her so much.
By: Aly Delizo
"Once a mirror is broken, glue it up you can still see the crack, it's forever broken"
It was 3 years ago, when I craved fame and attention. Then I saw the internet, I know I will never have fame in real life, and so I gave it a try. It wasn't that long when I started to have a name online.
I gained followers, some are crazy and some are not. It made me feel loved, it also gave me the feeling of belonging on the other hand it also made me too proud of myself, that I became a fool.
There were a few people that I grew a fondness of, and one of them never fails to make my day complete. She lives in Belgium, I enjoy talking and goofing around with her. I always wait for her to be online, sometimes I don't sleep the whole 48 hours, to have a half an hour talk with her. I became an internet addict, I can't control myself, I was always online I've never become offline. I get so grumpy if she's not online for the whole day, and it affects my relationship with the people around me.
I always adored her laughs during our video chats, her voice warms my ears and my heart. I know she wanted to hear my voice as well, but I couldn't let her hear me. I can't or I'll be busted. It'll be the end of everything.
I think I love her. And I know she loves me back. She once told me that "it is always delightful talking to you" and it made me leap with joy. I imagined myself with her, talking, laughing and fooling all around the world. I also imagined my life, with her with kids. But that would never happen, I am not a real person, I am a wild imagination of a girl that is curious about her sexuality. I am the male form of her. It only means one thing I am a lie, a hurtful lie.
The time came when I became busy with college and real life activities, that I have left my internet life, I never forgot her I still had contact with her through facebook. Our relationship grew deeper, and I wanted to tell her the truth, I am not a man, I am not the person she thought I was but I couldn't. I don't want to end the happy and warm feeling with her. I don't want to hurt her.
It also came to a point where I wanted to have fame with my real self, I went to the same path, but this time as a woman, a girl of my original form. Some of my crazy followers, messaged me and told me that "You look a lot like the beautiful boy on top rated guys, are you two related?" I answered them yes, he is my brother, my twin brother. I somehow earned another name for myself, being known as the sister of that beautiful boy on top rated guys. I was happy, but am I really happy? I'm a two faced person. I'm a lie.
I couldn't bear the feeling of guilt anymore. I posted who I really was, I told everyone that I am both him and her. I told everyone that I am that boy that captured their hearts and attention. And I told her who I was. I know she felt hurt and betrayed. I know she even cried, even though I didn't saw it. I know her, she cries a lot with little things which made her become my baby. I hurt her, I broke my promise that I will never let her fall, I will never let her cry and I will never ever hurt her. I want to stab myself, kill myself and rip my brain and my heart apart for hurting her.
I am a victim of my own curiosity. She didn't delete me on facebook and on other social networking sites and on skype and live messenger. But she don't answer my video calls, my posts and everything. I let her be, yet I still creep through her facebook check on her updates and what's happening to her. I am happy that she moved on, went to college and currently has a boyfriend a real person with her. I am happy for her, am I really happy? Yes, I am happy but still hurting, the feeling of jealousy and guilt mixed together. I wanted to hit the man on the face and break his nose. But I couldn't he is probably stronger than me and she is not mine, I have no right to do that. I posted my explanation on her wall, and she liked it. It only means she has moved on, but we're still not talking.
I wanted to move on as well, but I couldn't. I loved her and I still do. That love is the only true thing in me 3 years ago. All I can do for now is creep, and watch her newsfeed on my facebook. I'm content with that, though I miss her, I miss her so much.
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